Pursuit of 'Happy-ness' : Part II
It's fleeting in nature. It will bid you farewell.
Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
In every life, we have some trouble
But when you worry, you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now
Bob Marley’s song is a monster hit commercially, but it’s way more than a song alone. It’s one of the best feel-good songs out there. It’s fuzzy and comfortable in its music and pace, it’s soothing in its lyrics, and it’s a happy place accessible to you and me at all times.
Pharrell Williams's “Happy” comes very close in the 2nd spot. These are just my rankings, and I’m sure you will have your own favorites that take you to your happy place.
And the reason I mention these songs is that I am intrigued by the lure of “happiness”.
I have written about this subject in March 2023, but I couldn’t resist following up with another piece on the same subject. And this time, it’s not about social fitness or the importance of emotional and people quotient. If you are curious enough, then you can read the earlier piece here. (I do hope you are)
In this piece, I wanted to focus on the literal pursuit of happiness that has consumed the minds of millions of people everywhere. I am referring to the conscious act of achieving happiness on a 24/7 basis, which according to scientific literature, is almost impossible, and even detrimental to your own good.
The very word happiness is defined by Merriam-Webster as :
a state of well-being and contentment
a pleasurable or satisfying experience
It’s a “state” or an “experience” - by its very definition, it is temporary and cannot last forever.
Let’s take a pause and think about the last few times that you were truly happy. A few instances that come to my mind are :
After I had my protein shake yesterday post a brutal leg workout🥤
When I got out of the cold water plunge and wrapped myself in a warm towel
When I got on a video call with my wife, who is currently in Bali on a 10-day trip
When we cracked a multi-million deal with a client of ours
Every time Usha & I reached our room in Kulu, Himachal after a 300-step climb (pictured below)
The look on my dad’s face when he tried an international cuisine for the first time in a restaurant in Dubai, or the joy expressed on my mom’s face when she visited a few places in Abu Dhabi
When my office boy (Samuel) thanked me for the delicious Rajma (kidney beans) I took for him as lunch
Each of these events was preceded by a state of stress (workout / cold water), anxiety (uncertainty over the client’s decision), distance (my wife beings miles away), pain (try a 300-step climb thrice a day), or normalcy (daily routine). In each case, happiness was not being targeted consciously, but it was experienced as an outcome. It was a response to stimuli, as expressed below -
Release of tension/stress
Reduction of Anxiety
The sight of someone you love, after a gap of time
End of a painful journey
A pleasant surprise (completely unexpected one)
Making a difference to someone else, without any motive or hidden agenda
As can be seen above, happiness isn’t a durable state that can be consciously targeted. It’s a state that is experienced for a certain amount of time only. It’s beautiful and even brings a big smile to our faces. But it ain’t a permanent state, and nor should it be.
“Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness.” - John Stuart Mill
Let’s do another thought exercise :
Would you push yourself hard enough if you were content with your body?
Would you be happy to close a deal if you were indifferent about your career?
Would you be joyous to get on a call with your partner, if you didn’t feel the same affection for him/her like you once did?
Would you see the smile on your parent’s faces, if they were experiencing fancy cuisine all day, or sightseeing 24/7?
Would you hear someone say “Thank You” if you were focused solely on your growth, making others around you disappear?
Would you enjoy the wealth earned, if everything you touched turned into gold?
I am sure the last one will be the most controversial because there is an all-pervasive illusion that more wealth brings more happiness. No wonder Jim Carrey in his interview says “I only wish that all people achieve all success and earn all the money possible, only to realize that’s not where happiness is”.
Happiness is a fuzzy feeling. That’s all it is. And since it won’t be lasting all day long, why bother attaining happiness at all times, and at all costs? It’s an emotion like many others and needs to be embraced when it does show up. And it can be savored when it does.
And it will show up only if you let go of the pursuit of happiness and rather focus on things that do make you happy or choices that move you forward. You cannot completely eliminate things that make you unhappy, because some things just need to be done. This reminds me of how I feel when I leave my parent’s home in Mumbai, to fly back to Dubai.
There are a few more things you need to be aware of, in case you’d like to experience happiness at regular intervals instead of once in a blue moon.
BIG THINK has a fantastic video on this subject and I urge you to take time out to watch this. It covers the chinks in your mental armor that would detract happiness from you. Let me elaborate -
Intuition makes you feel that this shoe or that new car will make you feel great. Does it? Maybe for a few fleeting moments, and then your intuition is on the next shiny thing that it wants to acquire for your happiness. E.g. I am an Apple customer and every single new product launch triggers a tribal dance in my intuitive system. Right now, it is salivating about the new Vision Pro. God save me.
Reference points refer to the envy that gets triggered when we see someone having a better life compared to us. It’s biological and it gets triggered automatically. In case you think you are immune, then let’s imagine that you got a bonus of USD 100,000. You are ecstatic and thinking of finally upgrading your 1 bedroom apartment into a nice beach-facing 2 BHK apartment.
The very next moment you learn that one of your colleagues got a USD 250,000 bonus. Does this hurt? For most, it is a resounding YES. The reference point has changed from your old 1BHK apartment to your colleague’s windfall. Happiness can go to hell.
Hedonic Adaptation is a tricky beast to slay. It refers to our frameworks adjusting to the increasing wealth, making our new lifestyle look normal in our own eyes e.g. affording an airline ticket was once a pipedream, but today Emirates Airlines is the base acceptable airline for our travel itinerary. (I have expressed on this topic in detail here).
Impact Bias refers to a mental heuristic that makes us overweight the durability of the benefits of something, while the reality is very shortlived. It’s like going for a New Year’s bash in a fancy hotel in your city. You are thrilled about it and anticipate the fun you will experience. But the reality will find it difficult to match up to your expectations. This happens again and again.
"If our goal is to feel happy all the time, we have set ourselves up for failure from the outset." - Pelin Kesebir, assistant scientist, Center for Healthy Minds
It’s all this tug-of-war going on internally that makes happiness so sweet because it’s rare and fleeting while making the pursuit of happiness equally miserable for the happiness-obsessed folks. It’s a hopeless endeavor.
So let go of your expectations of life being all bliss and a bed of red roses. It’s not. It’s got pain, joy, anxiety, sadness, envy, and many other emotions all mixed up together in one giant concoction.
You have to drink it all, so why not take it one sip at a time :)
Wishing you all a fantastic weekend ahead.
Sending loads of love and luck as always 🧿
Manish