Do anti-models matter?
and why studying role models is sub-optimal.
(This piece was originally written in March 2020 on Medium. Today’s post has expanded upon the earlier piece and laced it with additional observations/insights.)
We live in an interconnected world where most achievements are available for public display i.e. in conversations, appearances, or social media posts. And when these achievements/victories are looked upon as a very solid measure of Success in Life, it is but natural to get into the mode of reaching for the stars just like this cousin/ friend/ senior colleague/ schoolmate of yours. It becomes a race to live up to your own potential and shine as bright as possible. It becomes an endeavor to step into the shoes of your role model in life and go all guns blazing to repeat the success story!!
“…But a role model in the flesh provides more than inspiration; his or her very existence is confirmation of possibilities one may have every reason to doubt, saying, ‘Yes, someone like me can do this.” — Sonia Sotomayor
Nothing wrong with it EXCEPT, you don’t know a thing about what got this person there except for a few observations/moments that made you look up to him in the first place. But are you aware of any of the following points -
What is his guiding philosophy?
What are his daily habits?
What does he read?
What’s been his process for strengthening the relationships in his circle of influence?
What are his GO-TO steps for gaining mastery over the skills he is so good at?
What are the routines he guards obsessively?
How does he deal with his weaknesses?
Does he have a mentor to guide him?
(I have used ‘he’ in this piece but its gender neutral in reference)
Reading a book on successful people, watching movies based on them, and hearing their interviews will give you only a peripheral view of the subject of your admiration. But unless you don’t apprentice under him, there is no way to exactly get to know a person that well. You will never be able to form your own perspective about this role model. You would be led to have opinions colored by other people’s points of view. It’s like thinking with borrowed conviction, and that’s dangerous in investing, and outside.
Sometimes, half-baked perspectives could even lead to envy or jealousy, passive or active and both are equally harmful, they just don’t appear that way to the world. No Wonder Robert Greene speaks so highly about the role of Apprenticeship in life and has eloquently put it forward in his masterpiece called Mastery -
“…the goal of an apprenticeship is not money, a good position, a title, or a diploma, but rather the transformation of your mind and character — the first transformation on the way to mastery. You enter a career as an outsider.”
Since apprenticeship with the desired role model isn’t possible for 99.99999% of people, borrowed convictions or biased opinions are all you get about your role models. And hence studying your role models isn’t an optimal way. There is a better way and a much more effective one. All you have to do is, as Charlie refers to Jacobi’s profound statement, “Invert, always invert.”
Why even try to fill into the big shoes of your north star, which could become an anxiety-inducing affair? You aren’t even guaranteed to have the same success trajectory if you followed everything that your role model did. You can’t call upon the strokes of luck or serendipity that he benefitted out of. You can’t have the mindset that he would have had due to a particularly difficult childhood or emotional scars.
Instead, why not look for train wrecks in your life, and learn from their mistakes and blunders so that you don’t have to repeat the same? Nassim Taleb refers to it as ‘via negativa’. It’s a recipe for what to avoid, which tends to work better in domains that are opaque and open-ended, i.e. what you should do with your life.
And ‘Success’ is as opaque and as open-ended as a subject can possibly be !!!
All you need is a keen eye for observation of those who you NEVER want to land up like. Your whole life is strewn with relationships with people you don’t want to grow up into. Your friends, cousins, peers, seniors, classmates — most haven’t broken free of the challenges life has thrown at them and have given in or given up without a fight till the end. Access to these is easily available, their stories are just a conversation away, their habits and routines are there for you to see, their mistakes and regrets are carried by them begrudgingly for life and they will share these too if you probed enough. These people are known as ‘anti-models’.
The lessons learned from anti-models are just as important, if not more, as the ones you would get from your role models. Why so? Because you now know what choices could possibly lead to bad outcomes, what habits could lead to financial ruin, how carelessness could destroy your career, how being judgemental can spoil relationships for good, and what eating habits will screw up your health.
I still remember my uncle coughing his life away after years of his smoking habit. I will never forget the vivid sight of him struggling to even sleep because his lungs would just not let him rest. I never want to be in the same place, ever. And hence my paranoia about what goes in my body. Many feel I am too rigid about my food or health choices, and many find it funny that I am always carrying my food everywhere or munching on something nutritious, but what you may not realize is that my uncle’s image plays a very profound role in me choosing longevity over convenience.
My uncle is my anti-model and has helped me, even after his death, to navigate away from unnecessary vices dressed in overalls.
I have had a friend who never risked anything. He did not want to play sports with us because he feared he will get hurt, did not participate in competitions because he was sure he will lose, and never turned up for any seminars or conventions we were exploring in our college days since he thought its a waste of time. He was never open to risk, exploring, or learning. To such an extent, that if he saw me from afar, he would take a u-turn and head in the other direction.
This friend has been stuck in many call center jobs to date, with no enthusiasm to learn or unlearn, carrying his drinking and smoking habits that clearly reflect on his youth dripping away with every year that goes by. He is my anti-model for being rigid and closed to new experiences, and constant learning.
I have personally witnessed senior managers busy playing power games, buttering top management, conspiring with their favorite ones to sideline everyone else, and creating unhealthy competition amongst us all. I will never forget one of these senior managers suffering at the hands of the very people he was showing favoritism towards. He has been my anti-model on ‘How not to lead’, ‘How not to create team spirit, and ‘How not to inspire and guide’.
Same way, I have anti-models whose habits, behaviors, and mindset led to permanent loss of capital, careers, relationships, health, and peace of mind. Today, I get to witness the consequence of these catastrophic mistakes on their lives. Their stories are oft repeated in our family gatherings, cafe conversations with friends, or over a few beers in a bar. I am not entering this ‘elite club of anti-models’ ever, and it's this paranoia that keeps me mindful of my habits, behaviors, and mindset.
Maybe you’re familiar with the joke about the man who’s looking under a lamppost for a key that he lost on the other side of the street because that’s where the light is? It’s an example of the human tendency to search for things where it’s easy to look even if we might not find what we’re looking for.
Reading ‘7 Habits of Successful People’ or ‘25 Things you will learn in Harvard School’ sounds like low-hanging fruit and tickles your senses with an illusion of some pot of gold out there in these books or seminars. I’ve read umpteen books and still do, but none have had an impact on me as much as real-life experiences have had.
It’s this realization, that makes me observant of how people behave around me. What are they doing wrong that’s being a hindrance to their desired outcomes? What makes them behave in the same manner for years? What excuses do they give for not working out, for not reading regularly, for not taking time out for deepening relationships? How do they treat others?
There are some moments that make me cringe, and there are some people that make me wonder if I am doing any of these. I take time out on daily basis to ask myself a few questions (shared below) and journal my thought process. I don’t want to be unconscious about my life, and hence this journaling habit helps me immensely to steer my value system in a direction that is conducive to my desired outcomes.
I also aspire to be successful and provide an abundant life for my loved ones. But I am not obsessing over this outcome. I surely am being mindful of my choices, habits, and behavior, knowing very well that the score will take care of itself.
I want to thank all that have served me well through their failures, mistakes, regrets, and pain. I have learned from my mistakes and failures too. I will carry these lessons for a long time and hope to make something beautiful out of this gift of life showered upon me !!
I have taken a weekend off and visited places, cafes, and museums in Abu Dhabi. I am enjoying my time here and am grateful to one of my colleagues (Belal) to show me around. Right now, I am writing this post from ‘Third Place Cafe’ that is buzzing with groups of people having a good time. The coffee has been great, and so was the Avocado Toast ☕️
Off to Louvre now and will share all about that next week.
Wishing you a smashing weekend too.
With loads of love and luck🧿
Manish