Curveballs Coming Your Way - Part # 2
Relationships, Expectations, Disagreements, and more.
I covered two of these curveballs in my last newsletter and I am hoping you did step out for a walk in the sun in the last week. Kudos if you did, and if you didn’t, today seems like a good day to start building your defenses against physical and mental decline.
I will cover the Relationship curveball below, and I’d like to warn you that these are inevitable. So brace yourselves for the impact and prepare in advance so that you can heal faster and move on with life. There is so much we can do and achieve if we don’t lose direction, and building that momentum in the right direction calls for understanding human nature and that’s what this piece is about.
Human Nature
Jason Zweig of The Wall Street Journal says —
“There are three ways to be a professional writer:
Lie to people who want to be lied to, and you’ll get rich.
Tell the truth to those who want the truth, and you’ll make a living.
Tell the truth to those who want to be lied to, and you’ll go broke.”
These are profound statements and are applicable outside of the world of writing too. These words give you a glimpse into human nature more than writing. A human being looks all flesh and bones, but the engine running the show is the mind which is a weightless mass of emotions, doubts, fears, anxieties, ambition, and a concoction of feelings and thoughts that precede any choice of words or action that it will undertake.
Go silent for 10 minutes and you will hear the engine roar at its loudest decibel 🔊
People are also different not because they want to be, but because of their unique circumstances, upbringing, value systems, role models, peer pressure, and so much that went on in their most impressionable age. My father went bankrupt in 1998 and I have financial scars from that period that can’t be erased, making me value a simple life much more than a fancy one. The more I save and invest, the stronger my balance sheet, and the more antifragility built into my existence. It just makes a lot of sense to me and gives me and my family peace of mind for not ever having to struggle for money.
But I have been looked down upon by potential clients for not wearing LVs or Guccis. I have been judged for not driving a BMW or an Audi. And I have been attracting unsolicited advice or subtle nudges for upgrading my car, my house, or my watch. If I allow others to sway me into trying too hard to fit in, then I will allow these people to steer me in all directions which has nothing to do with my happiness.
It just ain’t worth it!!!
As Warren Buffet says “If you spend money on things you don’t need, soon you’ll have to sell the things you do need.”
I rather give these relationships a pass and let them continue judging me without knowing the real me, without understanding what makes me happy or my reasons for the choices I make. And doing so comes with its territory of being disliked, and I have learned to make peace with it. That’s the best solution compared to trying to make everyone happy and trying to fit in everywhere, which many are failing miserably at. You are guaranteed to be left disappointed if you continue on that path for long.
I rather cherry-pick people to become a part of my inner circle, in whose company I feel genuinely happy, whose value systems are inspiring, and who are directionally going to places that I too aspire e.g. people committed to living healthier lifespans. I’m currently exploring Wim Hof’s Winter Retreat in Poland where I might have to jump in freezing waters and walk on ice-capped mountains in my shorts and shoes. I’m already freezing while I write this but I am looking forward to it ;)
I have my idiosyncracies and quirks and hence might have fewer people around me, but who said we needed the whole world tagging along?
Incentives
On top of that, everyone has their incentives or goals to chase, and often, their purpose runs dead against your own. You might want to make the most rational choice in selecting an apartment for your family, but the agent may want to sell you something that earns him the maximum commission from the realtor. And if he is great at building relationships and emotional connections, then only God can help you see through his hidden agenda. And when you do, it’ll be too late and you’ll be holding the asset, desperately looking at offloading it onto someone else.
Soviet poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko once speculated that during Galileo’s day, several scientists believed Earth revolved around the sun. “But they had families to feed,” so they never spoke up. - Sourced from Morgan Housel’s new book ‘Same as Ever’
Crazy incentives can make even people with integrity do crazy things. The domain of medicine is about curing a patient but the industry of medicine is about keeping you hooked on pills and treating symptoms instead of attacking the roots of the disease. The subject of wellness is about living healthier but the business of wellness is about supplements, hacks, gadgets, and subscriptions.
Recommending a walk in the sun doesn’t earn any money to the wellness coach, but recommending a personal brand that provides you Vitamin D in perfect dosage in just one pill could make him a millionaire.
What choice will he eventually make?
And if you survive the labyrinth of people peddling ideas or wares, and eventually succeed in life, you might hear your doorbell ring constantly. You will have old friends and cousins calling you up and asking you to meet up since it's been years. You will have charities and philanthropists reaching out for your share of the pie that needs to be put to good use for saving humanity in some way. It’s non-stop and successful people have often expressed their angst coming from the nuisance of dealing with boundless calls and requests. Hence, many don’t even entertain any calls directly, unless routed through their Home Office or CFO, whose main job is screening for quality and saying NO to almost 99% of requests.
I also remember an interview with a business tycoon who was sadly sharing that he can’t trust people anymore because he has failed at deciphering their hidden agendas in building that relationship. Some wanted contracts, some wanted favors, some wanted a picture to post on social media, and the list was endless. There are enough suckers out there, but you can’t blame them because they are doing what’s needed to survive or sometimes thrive.
But you will need to be on guard about relationships because everyone doesn’t deserve to be in your inner circle, especially if you are committed to being richer, happier, and wiser. But if making everyone happy is what you want, then the world is your playground. Though I haven’t seen anyone being happy trying to make everyone else happy, except for the icecream salesman :)
Monkey Mind
Add to it all the mistakes committed due to your own cognitive and emotional biases i.e. your mind playing games with you and forcing you to make unforced errors e.g.
You slip out on saying thank you or sorry when you intended to (Denial/Avoidance)
You procrastinate things and eventually forget them (Forgetting Curve)
You don’t give your all to your work and hope no one notices (Twaddle Tendency)
You fall short in expressing your generosity to people around (Hoarding)
You miss out on making a call or staying in touch with loved ones because you got busy (Lack of Prioritization)
You struggle to change your point of view (Consistency/Overconfidence Bias)
“We want to learn the lesson and not repeat the experience. But in truth, we do not like to look too closely at what we did; our introspection is limited. Our natural response is to blame others, circumstances, or a momentary lapse of judgment.”
― Robert Greene, The Laws of Human Nature
All these lapses are small, but over time they become baggage on the relationship sucking out the joy from it and turning it purely transactional. I don’t blame you because you're overwhelmed with work and responsibilities, but the world won't care. Everyone thinks about themselves even if they don't realize it, and hence your miscalculations land up backfiring in ways you cannot plan for.
Your relationships might go south, you might have someone stabbing you in the back, you might have someone lie to you - when these things happen and they will, you will have two choices. Feel like a victim & get depressed due to the twist of fate throwing you into situations you didn’t want or detest. OR suck it up and take it as a cost to be incurred in a social world where everything needs messy human interactions and where everyone doesn’t have the maturity to play win-win games or they just couldn’t.
Count your blessings if these don’t ruin you, and walk away knowing that you learned a lesson that you could employ to your advantage later.
Congrats on surviving this far in the piece. You have proven your commitment to building long-lasting relationships and to reducing hassles/nuisances along the way. This calls for courage on my part to offer you a few recommendations that could come in handy -
Set a high standard
Walk the talk always
Take the higher ground
Give more in a relationship
Be nice and treat people fairly
Don’t judge on first impressions
Play an infinite game i.e. win-win
Speak good things if any, else speak constructively
You can exit relationships, without bad-mouthing anyone
Speak the truth when the other person is willing to receive it wholly
I’m midway through Jeff Bezos's first podcast interview on Lex Friedman’s podcast and he stated something profound - “The World becomes fun when you find people’s strengths and everyone is on their way.”
Each of these recommendations could invite a blog of their own. I would spare you the trouble of reading a novice writer’s opinion on this matter while towering giants like Warren Buffet, Swami Vivekananda, or Arnold Schwarzenegger have written so much about human nature in their letters/books/autobiographies. These figures didn’t scale peaks on sheer talent alone, their ability to deal with others had a remarkable role to play in their respective journeys.
I have learned more from the written word (history) than all my 23 years of formal education combined. No wonder Morgan Housel ended his second book with the following statement - “When you focus on what never changes, you stop trying to predict uncertain events and spend more time understanding timeless behavior.”
And when you understand the persistent human behavior that has gone on for millennia, you have succeeded in building a China Wall-like defense against adversities related to messy relationships heading your way.
Forewarned is Forearmed !!!
Wishing you a fantastic weekend ahead🤝
Sending you loads of love and luck🧿
Manish